Tree Hugger
by GlitterTrails
Summary: Rainbow Dash gets a tad mixed-up in the head after saving Ponyville from a bioterrorism attack. A FlutterDash story.
1. Intro

_When Ponyville is threatened with a missile filled with a powdered form of weapon-grade Poison-Joke, Rainbow Dash saves the day by hurling herself at the missile. The speed of her collision causes a sonic-rainboom, which destroys the missile and neutralizes the weapon-grade poison-joke powder...most of it anyways..._

_Rainbow Dash is immediately taken to a nearby hospital, where she is treated for a bad concussion. Unbeknownst to anyone, a few particles of Poison-Joke absorbed through Dashie's skull as she head-butted the missile into oblivion. Contamination of one's brain with poison joke often warps the way one sees the world, but nobody would've guessed that it'd change the way Rainbow Dash saw Fluttershy..._

_...and fewer than nobody would've guessed that it'd make Rainbow Dash believe Fluttershy was a tree..._


	2. Doomsday party

Pinkie Pie was bouncing down the streets of Ponyville, beaming about the party she was mentally planning to celebrate the job offer she'd just received from the NBA. They'd offered her a billion cupcakes and a top-notch set of dentures for Gummi if she would lead a workshop teaching players how to bounce high enough to slam dunk without exerting any effort. Such an employment opportunity was a cause for festivities.

Without warning she was flipped upside down. "Oh! A twitch signal! Quadruple-ear-flop right-knee-twitch-double-blink-hair-twirl-kidney-failure-barrel-roll-moderate-back-ache? I haven't had that one in ages! Last time that combo came around was when there was an armed warhead filled with weapon-grade Poison-Joke powder headed straight for Ponyville-ha ha! Bioterrorism is a great prank! I have to go tell Twilight Sparkle!"

"Spike, if I start paying you more than 10 bronco-bucks a week then it'll cease to be an allowance and be counted as an actual salary, which means your chores would no longer be chores but would instead count as child labor. Experience puberty so you qualify for adolescence and we can talk again," Twilight Sparkle turned back to her books.

"PUBERTY!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she rocketed through Twilight's floor, filling the air with splinters as she hopped up onto Twilight Sparkle's desk and bouncing up and down in place. "What's that?"

"I uh...We'll have an explaining party for you when you're old enough..." Twilight Sparkle replied as Pinkie Pie's bouncing broke her ink well and sent ink spewing onto her face.

"OH DOKEYS-THE-LOKEYS! APARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY!" Pinkie Pie squealed so loudly Twilight's horn curled "I'm going to have to throw a party celebrating all the parties I'm gettting to party in recently! First the one celebrating my job offer from the NBA, then one celebrating the return of this wierd combo-twitch I had this afternoon and now one for explaining PUBERTY!"

"Wierd combo-twitch?" Twilight Sparkle turned her ink-covered head to the side "Which one is this?"

"Oh, just a quadruple-ear-flop right-knee-twitch-double-blink-hair-twirl-kidney-failure-barrel-roll-moderate-back-ache."

"Huh, don't have record of that one yet," Twilight Sparkle magicked down the observation notebook where she'd been orderly documenting the meaning of all of Pinkie's twitches and started writing. "...double-blink-hair-twirl-kidney-failure...and what does this one mean?"

"Just that an armed missile packed with weapon-grade Poison Joke powder is rocketing towards Ponyville as we speak."

"...armed missile full of weapon-grade Poison-Joke-WAIT WHAT!" Twilight Sparkle seized Pinkie Pie by the shoulders "ARE YOU MAKING THIS UP"

"Nope! It's the Apple-Jack-Honest-Truth! Cross my heart and hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye!"

"WE'RE ALL CERTAINLY DOOMED!"

"HOORAY! That means I can all max out my credit cards throwing the best Doomsday Party ever without worrying about the consequences!"

"DOOMED!"

"Not that I've ever really worried about consequences. My cholesterol level is probably higher than Equestria's national deficit, but that isn't stopping me from eating this life size frosting-version of the Lincoln Memorial!"


	3. Help needed NOW

Twilight Sparkle crashed into town square, where she quickly spotted Apple Jack selling homegrown heart-attacks with her little sister Apple Bloom.

"Well how-d-you-do, Sugar Q?" Apple Jack greeted as Twilight Sparkle galloped up to her booth. 'Can I interest you in some deep-fried caramel-covered extra-buttered apple turnovers?"

"I'LL TAKE FIVE!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, swiping her credit card through the reader as she snatched several turnovers on her way to Krispy Kreme.

"Apple Jack! This is urgent! There's a missile filled with weapon-grade Poison Joke headed straight for Ponyville!"

"Holy red-delicious-ravioli!" exclaimed Apple Jack "That's urgent all right! We gotta cover all the trees on Sweet Apple Acres before it hits so our entire crop isn't tainted! Come one Apple Bloom! Thanks for the heads-up Twigh!"

"Wait! There's more important things than-hurghh!" Twilight Sparkle shook her head and ran over to Rarity's boutique. "RARITY!" Twilight yelled as she pounded on the door. "Ponyville is in great danger!"

"Oh Darling, whatever is the matter?" A concerned-looking Rarity stepped out onto the porch "Is humid weather on its way? Oh that would simply be dreadful for everypony's mane. Not to worry Darling! Rarity has you covered as far as head-coverings go." Rarity magicked a peacock-feather covered sombrero onto Twilight Sparkle's head.

"No Rarity!" Twilight shook off the sombrero off her head "Hats off to you for the generous offer and everything, but this is much more serious than a bad mane day! A huge missile is on its way towards Ponyville and is going to spread weapon-grade Poison Joke powder everywhere!"

"My stars!" Rarity clasped her front hooves to her head "Oh why that is absolutely dreadful! I would only be able to leave the house in a hazmat suit! I would never be able to be fashionable and lovely AGAIN!"

"Um, Rarity? Not to say your concerns are selfish or anything but-"

"Oh dear Twilight my darling you're right, it's not just me, NOPONY will be able to leave home without a hazmat suit-THAT'S IT! I shall make the most fabulous hazmat suits for every pony in Ponyville! My sales will skyrocket and the ponies of this town shan't be wanting for fashion in this post-apocalyptic world! Just because it's the end of civilization doesn't mean it has to be the end of good fashion!" Rarity beamed as she pranced back into her shop.

"Aren't you at least going to try and polish the missile that way it doesn't get Ponyville dusty or something?" Twilight pled.

"That IS a wonderful concern Twilight-darling," Rarity replied "I'll send Sweetie-bell out to do it immediately." The boutique door slammed shut.

"OH!" Twilight clenched her teeth "Is there ANYPONY in this town with a sense of altruism?"

Then she spotted FlutterShy in the bushes dashing around frantically."Just who I need! Hey Fluttershy!"

"Oh, not now Twilight Sparkle! I'm sorry but I'm dreadfully busy gathering all the helpless animals into my backyard bomb shelter before that scary-looking missile overhead hits! Come little termite-colony, climb onto my hoof and I will run you to safety!" Fluttershy scampered off to rush the last of Ponyville's creatures out of the way of danger.

Twilight rolled her eyes "At least we'll still have household pests when we're all poisoned beyond all help. Spike! This is ridiculous! None of the ponies here take action! They're all too busy thinking. We need somebody to act NOW and save us."

"Like Rainbow Dash?" Spike suggested.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened "Of course!" she exclaimed as she face-hoofed herself before rushing off to Rainbow Dash's favorite napping tree.


	4. Forecast Uncool

"Okay Tank, time for your ten seconds of affection for the week," Rainbow Dash cautiously patted the small green tortoise three times on the back before turning away abruptly. "Alright,alright! That's enough! Blegh, this sappy sentimentality is ruining my coolness."

Rainbow Dash bench-pressed the entire city of Canterlot a few times in order to make up for lost coolness before returning to her tree. "Much better. Come on Tank! Let's go shopping for some pimpin' blocked-out sunglasses. Then we'll lean against a 50's-looking juke box, after which we will lift up the juke box using nothing but our teeth, and then fly it to the other side of Equest-"

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"Oh hey Twigh! Come to bathe in my awesomeness again, bibliophilic egg-head?"

_Because cos-playing as Darang Doo isn't egg-headed at all._

But now was not the time to counter-tease Rainbow Dash. There wasn't even time for proper spacing and punctuation.

"_QuickRainbowDashthere'samassivewarheadfullofexceed inglypotentpoisonjokepowderh eadedstraightatPonyvilleande veryponyisgoingtobeptotallyi ncapacitatedifyoudon'tstopitRI_GHTNOWAHHHHH!"

Twilight Sparkle collapsed and remained motionless.

"Poison joke huh?" Rainbow Dash looked overhead and saw the small grey speck of the rapidly approaching bioweapon. "How uncool."

She shot up off the tree branch and pointed an accusing hoof in the missile's direction "Listen here! I'm the one who makes the weather here in Ponyville, and Poison joke bombs are NOT in this afternoon's forecast!"

With that she rocketed off into a collision course with the warhead, rapidly gaining velocity as the lightly clouded sky became a blue and white blur. The wind resistance pulled the sides of her mouth back, revealing teeth clenched with determination. She could feel the warm glow of vibrant rainbow hues wrapping around her.

The dull grey hull of the warhead filled her vision in a manner of milliseconds. As the nosecone of the missile and the hard head of Rainbow Dash collided, Dashie felt more like she was falling into a pool of scorching energy than rebounding off a hard metal surface. Her body went limp as the rushing breeze of her sonic rainboom sped forward. Specs of shiny blue scorched into grey bits of dust as they were robbed of their toxicity by the power of a sonic rainboom.


	5. Yay! My hero

Angel Bunny was working very hard to push Fluttershy into the bomb shelter, but as all the creatures of Ponyville were not yet safely secured, his efforts were all in vain.  
"Oh Mr. Millipede, please go into the shelter. I don't want to hold another funeral for a sweet little animal. I'm still going to a grief counselor over the death of the horsefly I accidentally-"  
A gushing rush of warm breeze shot out of nowhere and swept both Angel Bunny and Mr. Millipede straight into Season 4.  
"Oh my!" Fluttershy jumped behind a nearby tree and looked up past the clouds. "Hh! I can't believe it! Rainbow Dash has saved all the fluffy, scaly, feathery and slimy creatures of Ponyville by colliding head-first with the missile and creating a sonic rainboom! I just want to cheer and cheer for her ever so loudly!"  
Fluttershy took a deep breath in.  
"...yay!" she squeaked in a voice hardly a lollipop's end above a whisper.  
Somehow that "Yay!" carried in the breeze all the way up where Rainbow Dash still hung limp in the aftershock of the collision. That tiny cheer from Fluttershy forced its way through Rainbow Dash's still-vibrating ear-canal.  
"Yay!...Yay...yay..."  
The same ear canal into which, unfortunately, a few stray unneutralized poison joke particles had strayed into.  
_Fluttershy?_  
The vision of Equestria's most colorful pegasus went completely black.


	6. Couldn't save you

"Heartbeat?"

"Steady."

"Blood pressure?"

"Normal."

"The patient has been this stable for over 48 hours. Why hasn't she regained consciousness yet?"

"Her coolness is still below acceptable levels. I'd predict that for the patient to become conscious again she has to be...oh...maybe about 20% cooler."

Tank the tortoise hovered up with his propellor and placed a pair of pimpin' blocked out-sunglasses onto Rainbow Dash's face.

"Coolness levels are rising, 5%...15%...20% increase in coolness has been achieved!"

Behind the reflective walls of the pimpin' shades Rainbow Dash's eyes fluttered open.

"Guys...? Is everyone okay?"

"Rainbow!" Twilight beamed and hopped around the room "You're back! Oh I was so worried we'd lost you!"

"Yay!" Fluttershy whispered through tears of relief.

Fluttershy...

Rainbow's heart lurched as she sprang up from the hospital bed.

I failed...

"Fluttershy...I-I'm sorry."

Fluttershy wiped the tears from her eyes. "Why are you sorry Rainbow Dash? You saved all of Ponyville's little creatures from poisoning."

"And the ponies," Twilight mentioned.

"Those too."

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "It doesn't matter..." She looked up at Fluttershy with remorse-filled eyes. "I couldn't save you..."

"Eh?" Twilight Sparkle turned her head to the side. "But Fluttershy's perfectly fine. We all are, thanks to you."

Rainbow's gaze snapped angrily to Twilight. "FINE?" She pointed a hoof towards Fluttershy "You call that fine?"

Twilight's eyes narrowed "I don't know what you're talking about Rainbow. Fluttershy looks the same as she always has."

"Now look here!" Rainbow broke free of all the IV tubes she was connected to and flew over to Twilight. Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened as she found herself nose-to-nose with an infuriated rainbow pegasus "I've known Fluttershy her whole life, and I know she hasn't always been like that!"

"Um, I'm sorry," Fluttershy interrupted, "But...like what?"

**"LIKE A TREE!"**


	7. Squashed Apples

Applejack sighed and dejectedly rested her head on her brother's shoulder.

"Big Mac?"

"Eyup?"

"We're toast."

"Eyup."

And not the delicious apple jelly covered kind of toast either. The sonic rainboom that'd saved Ponyville from a bioterror attack had also thrown all the apples in Sweet Apple Acres to the ground, ruining the crop.

This also made Apple Bloom the subject of more teasing than ever.

"Nice lack of cutie mark, Apple Blown-Up!" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon snickered as they pranced past.

Apple Bloom's eyes narrowed as she dug her hoof into the apple-splattered ground. "If this wasn't a children's show," she muttered to herself. "I'd tell those two that they could stick a silver spoon right up their-"

"Hey Apple Bloom!" Scootaloo interrupted. "Sweetie Belle and I are gonna go ask Zecura if she can help us get cutie marks in occult magic! Wanna come?"

"Why not?" Apple Bloom agreed sullenly "Maybe she can teach us how to put a hex on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon."


	8. Legal Issues

Zecura shook her head "I am sorry little ones, but what you ask, I can not have done."  
"Aww..." the cutie mark crusaders lamented in unison.  
"Is it 'cuz you're worried we'll wreak havoc by using black magic irresponsibly?"  
Zecura shook her head again "Havoc is not my concern, it's always fun to watch Ponyville burn," a smile came to the zebra's lips as she cherished the thought "But for a while my curses should not be used. For of the missile attack I stand almost accused."  
"They think you launched the poison joke missile?" Apple Bloom inquired.  
"I alone can make the poison's cure, and everyone knows I'm not from here."  
Scootaloo scrunched her face up, ""Cure" doesn't really rhyme with "here"."  
"Shh!" Sweetie Belle shushed her "Don't get the foreign-born terror-suspect angry!"  
Zecura continued "I have half a mind to leave this place, if I don't stop getting profiled, based on my race."  
"This is gettin' too political!" Apple Bloom concluded. "Come on girls, we gotta go think of another unethical way to get our cutie mark."  
They trotted along the path back to Ponyville. Scootaloo's face lit up "I know guys! Why don't we try getting our cutie marks in bioterrorism?"  
"Get real," Apple Bloom rolled her eyes "Ain't nobody likes to read about copy cat criminals. 'sides, how are we gonna get a bunch of P.J. spores into a missile without getting poisoned ourselves?"  
"We don't have to use poison joke," Sweetie Belle pointed out "We could start out with more small-time crime, like mailing an envelope to the mayor with a parasprite inside."  
"Agricultural terrorism is lame," Scootaloo's tongue stuck out in disgust "We might as well put worms in all of Sweet Apple Acre's apples for all the glory that'll get us."  
"No need," Apple Bloom sighed "The blast from the Sonic Rainboom already ruined our entire crop. Our family will probably lose the farm and be tossed out homeless onto the streets."  
"Then you could earn your cutie mark in panhandling!" Scootaloo piped up in excitement.  
"NO I GOT IT!" Sweetie Belle hopped in excitement. "Why don't we sue Rainbow Dash for property damage?"  
Apple Bloom's eyes lit up "...Why, that means we could get cutie marks in law, and that could make us-"  
"THE CUTIE MARK CORPORATE LAWYERS!"

Applejack and Big Mac were searching the phone book for a nice assisted living facility to stick Granny Smith into before someone squeezed the cider out of all the Apple Family's assets.  
And then the cutie mark crusader's pranced in, each sporting a cash symbol cutie mark on their flanks.  
"Big Mac..." Applejack paused and eyed the three fillies with suspicion. "Are you also under the impression that we're 'bout to get our hooves stuck in somethin' a lot stickier than bankruptcy?"  
"Eyup."


	9. Priceless Loyalty

Fluttershy was standing knee-deep in dirt as Rainbow Dash packed more soil around her legs.

"Don't sweat it Fluttershy! There's no way I'd let a friend whither and die after my failure left them transformed into a plant. You can bet your bottom branch that I'll be by your side protecting you from this day forward."

"Umm...Rainbow Dash, I'm not exactly a-" Fluttershy started.

"TREES DON'T TALK!"

"Oh. Sorry," Fluttershy hung her head in defeat as Rainbow Dash got out a watering can and poured it out on the newly placed dirt.

"Miss Rainbow Dash!" called a far off high pitched voice.

Rainbow Dash dropped the watering can and stood protectively in front of Fluttershy. "Who is there? What do you want?"

"We are the Cutie Mark-"

"Oh no you don't! What are you trying to do now? Get a lumberjack Cutie Mark by chopping down an innocent tree? Not happening! Least not this one."

"But we're not the Cutie Mark Crusaders anymore," explained Apple Bloom.

"We are the Cutie Mark Corporate Lawyers!" chimed in Sweetie Belle. "And actually, we're not here for your tree. We're just here to notify you that the Apple Family is taking legal action against you."

"Oh okay then-wait WHAT?! What the hay is going on here?"

"As you can see," the three cutie mark corporate lawyers turned around so that the cash symbols on their flanks were clearly visible

"This morning we have received our cutie marks-"

"Oh girls!" Fluttershy piped up with a smile. "Now that is truly something to be proud of-"

"-in corporate law!"

"...oh dear."

"Yeah, okay. So what does that have to do with the Apple Family deciding to go and sue me? I can't believe that Applejack and Big Macintosh would agree to something like this."

"They didn't," clarified Apple Bloom "It was Granny Apple Smith."

"WHAT? Why?"

"Because the blast caused by your recent Sonic Rainboom has effectively turned the entire apple crop into mush."

"I was saving the entire town from a dangerous missile!"

"That is irrelevant to the case in question. Your actions, intentionally or not, have pushed the Apple Family to the brink of bankruptcy."

Rainbow Dash pulled at her own mane in frustration "I can't believe Granny Apple Smith would resort to these kind of low tactics, even with the threat of extreme poverty!"

"They were gonna put me in a home!" Granny Smith wailed as she rolled past in her electric wheelchair.

"Yeah Dashie, seriously, have some heart!" Pinkie Pie advised as she hopped out of a passing ambulance "I visited Granny Pie at a home once and the food was yucky-gucky. I mean, I still managed to eat it all because I covered it in hot sauce, but that's besides the point," Pinkie Pie hopped off without further explanation.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Whatever," she pranced back to Fluttershy's side. "I don't care if you sue me, I won't have anything left soon anyways. Since Fluttershy was turned into a tree by the bioterrorism attack, I've decided to quit my job as a weather pegasus, so I've got no income for you to take. Whacha gonna do now?"

"Hmm..." Sweetie Belle scratched her head "I know!" Her eyes narrowed mischievously "Since you don't have any income for us to take, we'll just start repossessing your possessions," she pointed a hoof at Fluttershy "Starting with your precious tree-friend."

Rainbow Dash gasped "You-you wouldn't dare!"

"We'll see," Scootaloo smirked as the three turned around and started trotting away.

Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth in frustration before yelling out after them "Just wait 'til I get accepted into the Wonderbolts! They'll have a legal team far more competent than you clowns!"

Apple Bloom turned around and laughed "Wonderbolts? If you couldn't make it in before, how do you think you'll make it in now that you're gonna be stuck next to a tree all day?"

She turned and trotted off again. Rainbow Dash's head fell. Fluttershy's heart melted with sympathy and she pulled a hoof out of the dirt to give Dashie a reassuring pat on the back

"Oh Dashie, I'm so sorry. You really don't have to do all this for me. You need to chase your life dreams, be a weather pegasus, join the Wonderbolts, please, I want my Dashie to be happy."

Rainbow Dash wiped the tears from her eyes and shook her head. "No!" she wrapped her arms around Fluttershy with affectionate fierceness "No! I'll never leave you! I don't care what the price of protecting you is! It's worth it to me! It's worth all of it and so much more. Besides, chasing dreams without my Fluttershy there would be...chasing emptiness."

Fluttershy's heart was struck with a bolt of sentiment that was more wondrous than any Wonderbolt could ever be. Her cheeks turned the color of her pastel-pink mane. Friendship was magic, but the other-worldly loyalty of Rainbow Dash, even a highly delusional Rainbow Dash, was something more.

_More than magic…what could it be?_


	10. Profiled

"Come on Twigh," Spike pleaded as he rode on Twilight's back while she dashed into the EverfreeForest "Can I at least have dental coverage?"

"Spike, it makes no sense to give you dental insurance when I have the ability to replace your teeth magically should anything ever happen to one of them," Twilight responded as the forest flew by as a dark, gloomy blur.

"But Twi-LIGHT," Spike whined "I'll have better chances with Rarity if my employment situation is more like a REAL job."

"Is that what this is about? Spike, given your age difference I'm not even sure if a relationship between you and Rarity is _legal_."

"But Twi-AHH! Twilight look out!"

Twilight looked ahead to see Zecura being dragged away in chains by several members of the Pegasus Royal Guard.

"Just wait 'til I get some voodoo dolls, then you stallions will no longer have any-"

"ZECURA!" Twilight cried "Why are you doing this to her?"

A pegasus shoved the zebra into the police chariot before turning around to answer Twilight's question.

"This equine is a prime suspect in the recent bioterrorism attack on Ponyville. She will be taken to Canterlot for further questioning."

"What? Zecura is a helpful member of the community. Why would you suspect _her_?"

"She is knowledgable about the agent used," the pegasus responded "Also, she's not from around here and she looks like a couple of the other guys we have in prison for this kind of thing."

Twilight pawed at the ground with her front legs in frustration. "This is racial profiling! I can't believe that the princess would participate in this!"

"Believe it or not Kid," the pegasus huffed as he walked away to join the other guard pegasi "Orders are orders."

With that, the police chariot took off with a charted course to Canterlot.

"Urgh!" Twilight banged her head against the front door of Zecura's home "This is horrible! This is completely horrible!"

"Yeah!" agreed Spike "Anyways, about dental insurance-"

"Spike, I will replace your scales with zap apple jam!"

"On second thought, I couldn't be happier with my present employment situation."

"Spike, the ONE pony in Ponyville who could make the potion to cure Rainbow Dash was just taken away because she is a bioterrorism suspect! I have to find a way to Canterlot, call Princess Celestia out on her racist executive decisions, and convince her to free Zecura."

"Hey," Spike snapped his scaly fingers in realization "Didn't you realize that you had the same 'supernaturals' book that Zecura had with the recipe for Poison Joke cure in it?"

Twilight's eyes brightened "Oh yeah!" She turned away from Zecura's house and started merrily trotting back to Ponyville "Good realization Spike. I will make the potion myself and then the drama from the bioterrorism attack will be solved once and for all!"

"What about Zecura?" Spike asked.

Twilight Sparkle stopped "Oh yeah..." she shrugged and continued trotting "Eh."

"You're not going to save her?"

"One thing at a time Spike. Priorities are essential, and getting the weather patterns back to normal in Ponyville takes a lot higher precedence than justice for a mystic recluse with more rhymes than Doctor Suess."


	11. Sell out

"Oh my word!" Rarity gasped as her little sister pranced through the front door "Why Sweetie Belle, I can't believe it!"

"Nice, huh Big Sis?" Sweetie Belle grinned at the platinum-plated watch around her left front hoof "My new job let's me get my hands on some pretty sweet bling."

"Actually, I was referring to your new cutie mark."

"Oh yeah," Sweetie Belle glanced back at her own flank "I'd almost forgotten. You like it huh?"

"Why Darling, of course I do! Could've done a bit better on the color...but no matter Dear!" Rarity embraced her little sister. "We must celebrate! I'll get you this fancy..." Rarity checked the mostly empty cupboard and pulled out a box "...box of slightly stale saltine crackers."

Rarity sighed before laying her head down on the table and sobbing "Look at me! My business is in such a RUIN because I used all my fabric to make hazmat suits because I thought there would be a bioterrorism attack. I can't even afford to buy my sister a congratulations dinner for getting her cutie mark."

"That's okay Big Sis," Sweetie Belle assured her "Here, we can share this leftover sapphire-sprinkled steak I brought home from lunch."

"WHAT?"

Sweetie Belle turned her head to the side "Are you in one of your vegetarian phases again?"

"Sweetie Belle, how did you afford STEAKS for lunch?"

"My new job as a corporate lawyer is getting big returns Sis! We just started this morning and we already have a big-money case in the works against Rainbow Dash."

"YOU'RE filing a case against RAINBOW DASH? Oh but Sweetie Belle, whatever for?"

"The Apple Family lost their entire crop because of the Sonic Rainboom Rainbow Dash used to save Ponyville from the missile. So Granny Apple Smith is suing them."

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Rarity stomped her front hoof in indignant disapproval "I cannot believe you would use your talents to pursue a legal action that's so twisted and unethical."

Sweetie Belle smiled slyly. "But we could file a case on your behalf too and save your Boutique from going out of business."

"On second thought, I'm so proud of you little sister! Quite fashionable to have a lawyer in the family I think."


	12. I Need Some Space

"Uh…Rainbow?" Applejack raised an eyebrow as she saw Rainbow Dash burying Fluttershy's lower body deeper in dirt and then soaking the dirt with a watering can. "What the hay are you doin' to Fluttershy? I thought Rarity was the one around here who gets people to take mudbaths."

Rainbow Dash set the watering can down and rolled her eyes "It's not a mudbath. I'm keeping her root system moist, duh. Shouldn't you know about this? I mean you work with trees all day." Rainbow Dash shook her head and went back to digging.

Fluttershy looked at Applejack with large, pleading eyes.

"_Help me…"_ she mouthed silently.

Applejack nodded at her before walking up to Rainbow Dash, "Hey Dash, I see something on your head-"

"Ah! Gross! What is it? Kick it off!"

"Hair," Applejack replied with a smile as she knocked Rainbow Dash unconscious with a swift kick to the noggin.

"Oh thank you Applejack!" Fluttershy beamed as she stepped out of the dirt pile and over Rainbow Dash's unconscious form "I appreciate what Rainbow Dash is trying to do for me, but I was starting to worry that I'd get hoof rot. Also, when I'm stuck like that I really can't take care of my little animal friends…"

Applejack gave Fluttershy a hoof-pat on the back "Don't sweat it Sugar-Q. What the bloomin' onion has gotten into that pony anyways?"

"Well, we think she may have gotten a few poison joke spores lodged in her brain when she heroically slammed into the poison joke missile with a sonic rainboom."

"Ah see. And I take it that's makin' her brain all mishy-mashed so she thinks yer a tree."

"Umm…yes. I mean, I don't mind it and…" ballerina pink circles came to her cheeks "…it's actually kind of sweet how she's trying to protect me and everything…but it is a little bit…um, inconvenient…"

"Do ya want me to keep her under control so you can take care of your animals instead of being trapped in a dirt pile?"

"Oh my, well I wouldn't want to trouble you…"

"That's Fluttershy-code for 'yes'. No worries Sweet Bean. I ain't got nothin' to do now that the Apple Farm has gone to shootbaskets. I reckon dealin' with a delusional Rainbow Dash will give me somethin' to keep my mind offa things."

Fluttershy beamed "Oh thank you so much Applejack! I would hug you but my legs are still covered in dirt. My animals have really been needing me, I'm so grateful for your help!"

As Fluttershy ascended into the clouds, she stole once last glance at the unconscious Rainbow Dash. As relieved as she was to be out of a dirt pile and able to take care of her animals, she was actually rather blue about leaving her cyan-colored friend behind.

Even if Rainbow Dash was delusional, her loyalty and protectiveness were real. And Fluttershy just felt ever so safe and valued when Rainbow was around...

Fluttershy may not have grown branches and roots, but she could feel her heart starting to become rooted into Rainbow Dash.


	13. Applejacking with your head

"Well slap me twice and beat me with a butter churn!" Applejack exclaimed as she shoved the morning paper aside in frustration "I can't believe that they took Twilight in as a suspect too. I know they found her brewing the antidote to poison joke, but she was probably doing it to try to revive ole Dashie over there, not because she was part of some crazy conspiracy to throw the power structure of Ponyville and take control."

She shook her head and took a long drought of milk (at least the sonic rainboom didn't take out the cows) as Rainbow Dash started to wake up on the other side of the couch.

"Why ya-? Where is Flutter-?"

"Simmer down Sally," Applejack knocked her out again with another kick to the head. Kicks to the head and spiked apple cider had kept Rainbow pretty sedate the past couple of days. Good thing to, because everyone had seen what she could do to a barn.

"Poor critter," Applejack sighed with pity as she threw a blanket over her zonked-out pegasus friend. "Ain't none of this is your fault. Heck, you were just tryin' to save us all."

Applejack went back to searching through the classified ads for possible jobs she could take after the Apple Farm's imminent foreclosure until the sound of Rainbow Dash sleep-mumbling caught her attention.

"Flutter-Fluttershy...I love..."

Applejack blinked and then shook her head and shrugged.

"Well it ain't no surprise to me. I mean I've worked with apples all my life...I know a fruit when I see one. The only real question for me was which mare ya fancied, not whether or not ya fancied them. And I guess now I know, though I always had a feeling. Fluttershy huh? Wonder how that will work out..."

She was about to pick up the classifieds again-

"No Fluttershy! Don't marry Discord! Can you seriously see HIM as the father of your foals?"

Applejack snickered. The temptation to mess with Rainbow Dash's head was pretty strong, but would that be honest?

_It's not lying, really, it's more like roleplaying. Like acting for a theatre. It's only harmless fun._

"Why Rainbow Dash," Applejack smirked as she put on her best Fluttershy impersonation voice "I would never leave you for Discord. You're the only mare who always captures my stare."

It took every once of willpower Applejack had to suppress her laughter.

Rainbow Dash's expression of horror changed to a silly smile. "Oh Fluttershy...I had no idea you felt that way. Not that it surprises me. I mean, I'm so cool they banned me from ice-cream island."

Applejack's eyes bulged out of her head and tears of hilarity were streaming down her face. Mother blinkin' Manehattan! This was priceless.

"Well uh..." Applejack had little experience flirting, but it seemed like Rainbow Dash had pretty low standards for sweet-talking. "You may be cool, Rainbow Dash, but you set my fluttery heart on all kinds of fire."

"Oh yeah? Well you drive me wilder than the Everfree forrest!"

Applejack was rolling on the ground in silent stitches.

_Alright, where the hay is the sound recorder? This is more out of control than the time Granny Smith tried to smoke a parasprite!_


	14. Different Category

"I know when I whacked Henrietta the Horsefly to death with my tail it was all an accident caused by an instinctive reflex, but I still feel completely responsible!" Fluttershy sobbed.

The grief counselor tried not to roll their eyes as they opened an umbrella to protect themselves from the falling fountains of saltwater tears.

"People think I'm such a nice pony but in truth my hooves are stained with the blood of innocents! What will my friends think of me if they found out? What would Rainbow Dash think of me?"

"Hmm?" the grief counselor raised an eyebrow "Rainbow Dash? You mean the weather pegasus who saved Ponyville? I thought she was your friend."

"Oh she IS my friend! Though she might not want to be if she knew what a terrible-"

The counselor held a hoof up to silence her "Hold on. You said "my friends" and then you said "Rainbow Dash". You didn't mention any of your other friends by name, just her. Why is that?"

"Oh..." Fluttershy's tears ceased as she paused to think about it. "Well I-I suppose I've known her the longest out of all my friends..."

"Fluttershy," the counselor closed the umbrella and tossed it to the side "I want to discuss this more. You mentioned your friends and then Rainbow Dash as if the "friend" category didn't suffice to cover her. Could it be that Rainbow Dash fits in a different category for you?"

"Umm...well...you mean like...best friend?"

The counselor shook his head and sighed "Fluttershy, you're a little clueless, so I'll just make it easy for you-Do you want to make sweet passionate love to Rainbow Dash, be the mother of her fillies and live in a union of affectionate romance and companionship for the rest of your days?"

"Well..." Fluttershy thought about it for a few long seconds before her face lit up with a smile "...yes. Yes I do want that. Oh my! Did I just say that aloud? No!" she squeaked.

Fluttershy's counselor watched as Fluttershy curled up and shrunk before his eyes until she was the size and shape of a ping-pong ball.

That's definitely going to take a few sessions to cover.

"So...same time next Tuesday?"


	15. Fight for the right to love

Fluttershy was busily dusting out a new habitat for homeless wasps when she felt somebody grab her from behind.

"GOTTCHA!"

"Who-what?! Rainbow, is that-?" But before Fluttershy could comprehend the situation she was being carried out the window at lightning speed.

"I don't know what you think you're doing out of the soil!" Rainbow Dash yelled over the rushing wind "Or how you're still alive after that long, or even how you got out of there in the first place! But I do know this, you're getting back in there right NOW! There's no way I'm going to let you wither and die!"

"Oh, well...um,.." Fluttershy sighed as they landed back by the dirt pile "...okay."

Rainbow Dash stuffed her back in the soil and immediately went to work reburying her legs.

"So, uh..." Fluttershy blushed as she tried to put the previous day's conversation with the counselor out of her mind "...I thought you were at Applejack's?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes narrowed "Yeah, she tried to keep me there. Guess it doesn't matter to HER whether you wither away in the summer sun. You would think someone who works on an apple farm would care more about taking care of trees!"

"Well, Rainbow Dash, you see I'm really not a tr-"

"TREES DON'T TALK!" Rainbow Dash bellowed. Fluttershy couldn't help but start to notice that Rainbow would only seem to remember this rule whenever Fluttershy was trying to contradict her.

"Anyways," Rainbow Dash continued "She TRIED to keep me there. Drugged me even, imagine that! But the devotion in my heart was stronger than the alcohol in my bloodstream. So I fought my way out of unconsciousness, sent her flying up to Cloudsdale with a swift kick to the head and then immediately rushed to your side. Pretty impressive huh?"

"Well, yes, actually that IS very impressive. And quite thoughtful, though I'm wondering if keeping me inside the soil is really-"

"Yeah yeah, I know. Kind of makes you want to start like 50 fanclubs for me, doesn't it?"

"Umm...right."

_Actually a Rainbow Dash fan club might be a bad idea for me. I might have to go all Flutterage on the other hussy-horsies who wanted to get flashy with my Dashie. Oh dear, I just thought the word "hussy"! I'm an awful person..._

While Fluttershy was busy angsting in italics, Rainbow Dash found herself staring at her fluttery friend and doing some deep pondering.

_Somehow this isn't...somehow...I'm missing something here. There's something about this situation that I'm just totally off base about..._

The electricity started with a few sparks and started to build up until it became a figurative lightning bolt that zapped Rainbow Dash in the brain.

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh..." Rainbow Dash gasped, and then hung her head "Fluttershy...I'm sorry."

_...maybe she would think I was sexier if I wore ears like Angel Bunny...oh no I thought the word "sexier"! They'll have to lock me up in the Canterlot prison for naughty ponies-oh wait, she's talking to me._

"Sorry for what Dashie? I don't think you have anything to be sorry about-"

"Yes I do." Rainbow Dash's head snapped back up and her eyes fixed on Fluttershy's with an intense gaze. "The truth has been in front of me this whole time, and I've been too blind to see it." Rainbow Dash started tearing up "I'm sorry Fluttershy, I don't know what's been making me see things the way I have until now..."

Fluttershy smiled with relief. _Oh good, we're over the tree phase. Now maybe we can get past being stuck in the ground and get dirty in a different sense-NO! OH MY GOODNESS DEAR WHY ARE MY THOUGHTS SO NAUGHTY_?

"I don't know why I couldn't see before that you weren't-"

_I'm almost free!_

"-just another friend to me. You're...something different..."

_...oh wait, WHAT?_

"Fluttershy, I think I want to marry you."

Fluttershy's mouth fell open. _WHAT?! This is...actually this is quite wonderful but why in Equestria couldn't she have this revelation AFTER she realizes I'm not a tree?_

"Rainbow I-"

Rainbow Dash held up a hoof "I know that you're a tree right now, and that you cannot verbally accept my proposal, but judging by my awesomeness levels I can just assume that you'd say yes if you could talk to me."

The pink circles were back on Fluttershy's face as she beamed "I like that assumption!"

"TREES DON'T TALK!"

"Oh...right. Sorry."

"So now I just have to find a really huge flowerpot, put some wheels on it, transplant you, pull you over to the courthouse so we can-" Rainbow Dash's eyes went wide with realization "Oh no, the courthouse. Rrrgh! They'll try to stop our union because you're in a different kingdom of life, I just know they will. Closed-minded batch of freaks!"

"Umm..."

"That doesn't matter! All the courts in Equestria could be turned against us and I would STILL find a way for us to be wed Fluttershy! Nothing will stop me, my bride!"

_This whole situation is sort of ridiculous...but my brain is melting into a cotton candy mash of happiness since Dashie just referred to me as her bride. I'm...happy. ^-^_

"Now to think of a plan...it may take a while since my brain is not as speedy as my wings, but it will come to me-"

"Miss Rainbow Dash!" the cutie mark corporate lawyers came trotting over the hill.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes "Not now! Can't you see I'm struggling with a solution to marriage inequality?"

"But we thought you might wanna know your court date. Granny Apple Smith and Rarity are suing you for the damage done to their businesses by your recent Sonic Rainboom. We'll be seeing you over from the prosecution table next Wednesday."

"WHAT? Rarity too?! What...I-? My friends suck. Not you my darling," Rainbow Dash patted Fluttershy reassuringly on the side. "But Granny Apple Smith and Rarity are crummy mc-scummies! Are you guys just rounding up cases against me?"

"It's nothing personal," Scootaloo stated matter-of-factly "We'll take a case for anyone who will pay us."

"You loyalty-less lo-wait, did you say you'll take a case for anyone?"

"Anyone who pays."

Rainbow Dash's eyes lit up as a solution to at least one of her problems started to come together for her.

"You guys have a slot open the morning before the court case?"

"...we could make one if there's a good reason for us to."

"Oh I have a reason for you. Oh do I ever have a reason..."


	16. Truth in Your Eyes

"So you see," Scootaloo stated matter-of-factly as she stepped to the center of the courtroom floor "Since members of the Kingdom Animalae can be downright fruity, featuring my client as an example, there is not a sufficient difference to justify prohibiting the marriage of an animal to the member of the Kingdom Plantae."

"Okay, sure, but..." the judge squinted and pointed at Fluttershy, who was stuck in a wheel-equipped flowerpot "...that's not even a tree. She's just a pony that's been stuck in a flowerpot. I mean, why are we even having this discussion?"

"OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!" Rainbow Dash cried out "She IS a tree! She's been a tree ever since the poison joke attack! But she's been my true love since the beginning of time, so even though she looks like a tree, I wanna marry her! And no resistance from this closed-minded court is gonna stop me!"

"I never said that you couldn't marry-"

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK AGAINST TRUE LOVE ON A CHILDREN'S SHOW?!" Rainbow Dash bellowed.

"Order in the court!" the judge demanded, slamming the podium with her hoof "That does it! Rainbow Dash, I am throwing you in jail for contempt of the court!"

"WAIT!" Fluttershy cried out as two guard pegasi seized Rainbow Dash by her forelegs. She shot out of the soil and fluttered in front of the judge "Wait, please Your Honor, let me try and reason with her..."

"Hmmph," the judge crossed her arms "Alright, but it better be quick."

"Oh thank you Kind Justice Official!" Fluttershy flew over to Dashie, stopping just inches away from her face.

"I don't get why you can fly as a tree," Rainbow Dash huffed as she struggled against the pegasi soldiers that were holding her back "But I know you are a tree! So tell these idiots to let me go so I can take care of you!"

"Oh Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy sighed and shook her head "Please look into my eyes and see the truth-"

The power of the Flutter-stare sent shock waves through Rainbow Dash's brain, neutralizing the poison joke particles that'd been lodged inside. As those sky-blue eyed bored through her own, Rainbow Dash started to realize...

_Wait a second...trees don't have eyes...but wait, that must mean..._

Rainbow Dash gasped "You're-you're not a tree! You never were a tree! I've been acting 20,000% uncool."

"Oh no...well actually yes, kind of, but the way you were protective when you weren't cool, it just made me feel all warm inside..." All of Fluttershy turned the color of her mane as she fidgeted with her hooves and looked down at the courtroom floor.

"...Rainbow Dash, even though I'm not a tree, will you be the one I start my family tree with?"

As her eyes filled to the brim with tears of joy and sentiment, Rainbow Dash couldn't think of anything cool to say. Instead she just turned to the judge and nodded.

The judge stared wordlessly with a wide gaping mouth before she shook it off and shrugged. "Um, right… I now pronounce you wife and wife, for both this and the afterlife-HOLY HAY! Get a stable!"

A cloud of butterflies framed the newly wed couple in a heart-shaped formation while a giant rainbow stretched across the room. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash smooched and smooched, even as a couple of security pegasi dragged them out of the courtroom.

"Yeah... okay, so" the judge readjusted her glasses "So that whole business was about the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. Court adjourned, I'm going to try to erase that all from my memory by downing as many "Magic Dust Margaritas" from Sugar Cube corner as I possibly can."

"Oh and by the way," the judge turned back to face the Cutie Mark corporate lawyers "Never bring a case involving either of those two before me again. They're just both too strange. I can't handle it."

"But wait!" Apple Bloom objected "We had two clients with cases against Rainbow Dash lined up for this afternoon..."

"Don't care. I'm throwing them out. Margarita time!" the judge stepped out the door and slammed it shut with her back hoof.


	17. Endgame

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had their eyes transfixed on each other as they danced under the balloon arch. Pinkie Pie had, once again, whipped up a party out of thin air in less than 30 seconds. Handy, because between the legal fees and the unemployment, Rainbow Dash would've had no money whatsoever to pay for a reception otherwise.

Off in the crowd, Apple Bloom and Granny Apple Smith were sending the Apple farm back on a rebound by bottling the rotten mush of the sonic-rainboom destroyed apples and selling it as applesauce. It was infested with parasprites and likely to cause gastrointestinal cancer, but who cared? The Cutie Mark Corporate lawyers were there to counter any consumer safety complaints.

Applejack and Big Macintosh were so cut to the core by their family's dishonesty that their cutie marks changed into apple cores. Disheartened and ashamed, they left Ponyville seeking more honest employment. They are now presently bouncers down at the Dodge Junction saloon, and they have to drag Pinkie Pie out by the tail for disturbing the peace at least once a month.

A couple booths down at the wedding reception, Rarity was bringing back the boutique by selling t-shirts made from the unnecessary hazmat suits. The t-shirts were emblazoned with the words "No joke! I survived!" -P.J. Attack Year 1003, and they sold like hotcakes.

Meanwhile, in the Canterlot dungeon, Twilight and Zecora found that life was actually not half bad for them. Zecora had plenty of fellow prisoners to practice voo-doo on and Twilight could do magical research experiments there on ponies without any sort of legal restraints. Princess Celestia loved this because it was a low-cost way of dealing with overcrowded prisons.

But, most importantly, the romantic tension that had been building between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy for 3 seasons straight had finally been resolved. They danced and danced around the town square, silently wondering when Pinkie Pie would do something outrageous enough to distract the crowd's attention so they could fly off and get rough in some nearby cloud's fluff.

Meanwhile, as the music blared in the background, the true terrorist behind the poison joke attack, D.J. Pony, sat behind the tables mixing some sweet mixes while the throbbing speakers pushed poison joke particles into the air, which hung like glitter before drifting down onto the dancing crowd.

**A bazillion thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story! If you feel so inclined please leave a final review telling me what you liked and what I need to work on, so I can write better stories in the future. Peace out and love all around!**

**(P.S. Bioterrorism is NOT actually a great prank. I'm just adding this that way if any of you go and commit crimes against humanity using biological agents I will face no legal liability. And also because killing people is wrong at least 97.3% of the time. Seriously.)**


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